Ah, the touchy touchy subject of the headscarf
Of course with every muslimah, the thought of covering up must have crossed your mind numerous times. I admit back then, indeed it crossed my mind on a few occasions, especially when you hear the ustazah half-screaming preaching for you to wear the headscarf during Religious Studies. But i really started thinking abt seriously doing it somewhere in mid-2010. The idea played around in my head from June 2010, till February this year. 8 months in total.
Im not sure exactly what was the trigger, but somewhere, something sparked within me. Maybe bcs of some words people uttered, maybe it was bcs of my friends, maybe bcs i just felt .. like it was just about time
I guess i started seeing things in a different light //
So i told myself that in 2011, one of the things i would do was to don a headscarf.
I just didnt know when, bcs i still felt like i wasnt ready.
I was still arguing with myself. I was filled with doubt
"Are you sure?"
"What would people think?"
"What if i look ugly?"
To change so drastically, you cant expect it to be easy
So i kept quiet, i did not confide in anyone, except, to my mom, my brother and one friend. I guess i just kept quiet bcs i still felt unsure about what i wanted, and what if the plan would not fall through?
I mean, i didnt want to announce publicly "IM GONNA WEAR A HEADSCARF IN 2011" in 2010, only to not do it the next year. This was a serious decision, and i wasn'nt going to make it by impulse.
Of course it was a slow gradual changing process at first, if you'd known me back in 2009, you would see that i almost wore shorts everywhere. Har harrr, that, and short skirts. Actually, i still have tonnes of them in my closet. But after these thoughts, i really just stopped wearing shorts any longer, i tried my best to keep my clothes below the knee at first. To cover up my legs. However, few people realised this, i think. Even some of my best friends didnt notice it until i pointed it out
Come December 2010, i still was at a loss, unsure, i admit at some point i just thought "No need lah"
However, thankfully, in January, whilst i was randomly browsing through a few muslim-related fashion websites (which has been a habit of mine since some time), i randomly came across this blog, and randomly came across this phrase that she wrote regarding the headscarf =
"Its so simple yet so profound, the fact that a woman is so treasured, akin to a precious jewel, that her beauty need not be leered at or made into a spectacle for anyone and everyone to see. To put it plainly, a womans' goodies should only be appreciated by her husband, which isnt a bad idea given the "less (clothes) is more" mindset most women seem to succumb to, and to me, seems to have a lot to do with the disrespectful ways in which men often treat women."
And i swear it felt like, a truck had hit me.
I mean i've never ever seen the headscarf from that point of view, and i thought they were the most well-phrased words one could have written about the headscarf.
"A woman is a jewel, so precious"
And i think that did it, for me.
So, i dragged my mom, and bought a few more pashminas. All the necessities, pins, and bonnets etc etc etc
And thats that, really. The rest as they say, is history
Its been more than two months, i know its just a short period of time, but honestly, i have never felt more at peace with myself spiritually. And eventhough to be honest i believe i look slightly odd in a headscarf (IYE, i do look odd, dont argue, haha, but i like looking odd), i have never felt more beautiful on the inside and more confident as i have today. Alhamdulillah : )
WHAT WAS THE RESPONSE LIKE?
To put it simply, the responses i got were quite diverse, ranging from screams of delight from my best friend (my favourite response) to people asking "Why?" and to the quite drastic "Did anybody force you to wear it? Did your father force you to wear it?" (The answer is no, i chose this by myself, alone) to "Lepasni dah takda pakaian sexy dah?" (THIS left me speechless, i swear, i had to force a smile at this)
Nyeh i guess you cant kill peoples' curiousity
Definitely, i think i surprised a lot of people. Oh well, cant blame them bcs i kept it a secret in myself for so long, plus i think they perceived me as someone who did'nt really pay much thought about religion, considering how i used to dress, or the way i used to style my hair. BUT, then again, few people really know me. See, this is exactly why you should'nt judge someone based solely by their outward appearance.
What i hated most was the fact that some people would assume that i was doing it fr all the wrong reasons. Particularly one reason which will not be stated here. But its okay, they dont know me, and yes, you can have your thoughts, but i know my own truth
Just dont spread lies k
But overall a huge majority of the response has been positive. So positive. I've received so many praises. And im utterly left feeling humbled by it all. Thank you :')
WHATS CHANGED?
To be honest, nothing much really, im still the loud silly argumentative girl i was bfr. Maybe with more modest clothing. In some ways, i think i've become more conscious of the words that come out my mouth, not that i've suddenly become quiet, its just i think i am more aware of some of the things i blurt out. And yes, in some ways, i do feel closer to Allah. But one thing i do realise, is that, people around me, especially guys, treat me with a bit more respect than before. Its been good overall //
DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT TAKING IT OFF?
To be quite frank, so far, the answer is no. Which is odd, bcs before i wore it, i expected myself to take it off it during a couple of occasions such as when i would have to go jogging, or swimming or diving. But i didnt. I didnt want to take it off. I had to made a few adjustments with my sports/swimming attire obviously, but it was nothing big, im still perfectly capable of carrying out these activities. I mean why should a piece of cloth covering your head stop you from doing the things you love? It shoudnt, heck, it doesnt.
////
Im really glad i put it on. I think overall it has brought nothing but positive things into my life.
When you put it on, trust me its not the end of a journey, its the beginning. You'd be surprised with how much it affects you, how it influences your decisions, the path of self-discovery it takes you on. All in a good way of course.
Without a doubt, its been one of the best decisions i've made in my life, so far : )
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